What's up with R.H.?

So, I've never bought anything from Restoration Hardware, but somehow I have ended up on their mailing list. And I was embarrassed, today, when my mailwoman had to deliver my regular mail and then make a second trip to heave the 22 pound weight that was the new Restoration Hardware Catalog package (including 3.5 catalogs) into my door. It weighs more than a phonebook.

Despite its weird appalling extravagance, I tried to flip through it lying on my couch, but I couldn't find a comfortable position that didn't wear my arms out within a minute or two. What I was able to glean from the catalog, however, is that--while my Tuscan villa is under repairs and currently unable to be decorated--there is little in the 22 pound tome that would suit Dan's and my humble bungalow.

Even if we had the space, though, much of what is in Restoration Hardware makes me too nervous to invest in it. The photos in the catalog make me feel physical queasiness. . . some claustrophobia, mixed with good old fashioned heebie jeebies. The wall lamps are all posed too closely to the bed/the couch/the desk, as if they are alive and predisposed to really being in your business. Everything is on such a huge scale that were people posed in the catalog images, I would expect grown men's feet to not touch the ground at the dinner table, for couples to be being swallowed whole by massive couch cushions, for one of the weird, pointy, over-sized objets to be chasing, Tim- Burton-style, after the family dog or the neighbors' visiting 3-year old.

It's a vision of the world equal parts Bauhaus, Jules Verne, Das Boat Chic, and Jean-Pierre Jeunet (in his darker Caro partnership days), with just a touch of both Viking-flare and Hannibal Lecter thrown in for good measure.

Don't get me wrong. There's some beautiful stuff there. A few pieces I like and wish I could own. But there are many more I would fear to own lest they come to life and kill me, D, and L.P. in our sleep.

Here are some of my favorite ridiculously sized and/or creepy things from the newest Restoration Hardware catalog.

1.Foucault's Orb Crystal Chandelier, Extra-Large



If a crystal chandelier is simply not enough of a statement piece for you, you can now get one encased in a metal orb. At 62" tall and 60" wide, it's as wide as my monstrous dining room table--of which many friends have made fun.

If this ceiling light is too fancy, don't worry. . . they have another orb style light wrapped in jute for everyday wear.

2. 5-Foot French Tower Clock

Its size is in its name, but weighing in at 85 pounds (and costing a mere $1195), you'll be happy to note that it is "not a functional clock".

3. Aviator Wing Desk



Seriously. WTF? If you buy this thing, you better put it in a room with only north-facing windows or this desk (nee airplane wing) is going to blind the beejeezus out of anyone with the misfortune of being in the room when the sun hits.

4. 1850 French Dentist's Chair



If you didn't get the chills just looking at this thing, I'm worried that can only be because you've already been strapped to it by Dexter, been given the business, and no longer have the requisite pulse that permits for the generation of chills.

5. Infrared Floor Telescoping Patio Heater


So, I doubt that the designer of these patio heaters meant to model them after the giant killing light stalks of the spaceships from "War of the Worlds", but something about their positioning makes me worry that anyone who sits beneath them might be vaporized. And there are four--one aimed at each seat--so that nobody gets away.

6. Maritime Caged Sconce



When outfitting your next submarine, dirigible, or underground evil lair. . . there's a light for that.

7. Circa 1930 Adjustable Pulley Sconce

Thank god for the 52" long arm and the 8' long cord on this sconce that gets the vigorous 40W bulb right where you need it.

8. 1970s French Airplane Chair



Because we all love airplane seating so very very much that we need to bring it home with us after the trip is over. . .

9. Cloche with Babies



*shudder (and that shudder can be yours at a steal! $395.00)

10. Handwoven Rope



No lie. Rope. 18 ft long and described as "for decorative use only." Going rate for a short length of use-free rope? $99.00.

(Here's the takeaway, though, R.H. Save the offensively massive carbon footprint of printing and shipping your 22 pound catalog package, and you're not likely to get this kind of attention paid to your strange commodities.)